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Escaping..first message: It seems dickish, but if you know you won't jibe with someone who messages you, just click delete.

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That way, you can order a second round (she's cool) or feign exhaustion after your first Negroni (she asks if you really believe in that whole Holocaust thing).

Escaping..unwanted second date: You were bored, but she's eager for round two.

I started watching women and seeing patterns instead of people: Not to get all Louis C. here, but online dating is some radically underrated, the-future-is-now stuff.

You're sifting through hundreds of women that have been chosen for you by a computer, then e-mailing them seconds later to set up a date. Worst-case scenario, you get a few crazy stories—"Yeah, she actually said, ' Lick my donkey' "—that make you the most interesting guy at the bar.

It was a Whole Foods of my own sexual imagination—and I was shopping on an empty stomach.